I ran out of toilet paper while taking a shit…
And so I look at the reserves of toilet paper…
Oh no…
Now usually I would just ask for more, but I’m to embarrassed because I would be admitting to my family that I’m sitting here taking a shit.
So instead I look at the naked cardboard roll…
And somehow decide:
This will work…
So I wipe my ass with the empty cardboard roll and flush it down the toilet.
I don’t think much about it and go about my day.
…
I walk in on my mother, she is looking down the toilet…
What is she doing?
Oh my god, she’s pulling out something out of the toilet…
oh no! I was the one who did it!
But instead of admitting it I just watch and go back, maybe she thinks someone else did it…
From that point onward, I just opened the door lightly and always asked for more toilet paper, even if it smelled like complete shit.
And this wasn’t even the weirdest relationship I had with shitting…
I'm at my friends house and I feel a sudden urge to take a shit…
but I don’t want to poop here… I want to go home and do it. Because at home it’s way more comfortable and I know how clean the toilet is.
Okay, let me hold it in… I’m sleeping over but I can hold it until I go home tomorrow.
…
I wake up and all of the sudden now I really need to poop, but I know I’ll be home in a few hours…
I say goodbye to my friend, get home and immediately unload on the toilet…
And I do this everywhere…
if I’m at school, I almost never poop there…
at a friend’s house? Little bit better but I still wait…
…
I’m at a football trip with my team and we have to stay there for 4 days.
Now obviously I will have to shit in that time, but for now I ignore it…
the days pass by and I’m playing in the heat of summer…
I have no problem going to pee, but…
now I feel like taking a shit.
…
I’m on my way home from the football trip, my dad has picked me up!
Only problem is that we’re 2 hours away from home…
and I haven’t taken a shit for 4 days straight…
why… why can’t I just be comfortable pooping normally?
Is there something wrong with me?
…
I get home and I absolutely demolish the toilet…
didn’t stand a chance…
the turds are so big that the splash from the toilet water reaches my ass cheeks…
it was disgusting to feel the cold water on my ass, But I’ve never felt more relieved.
…
It’s strange because I could pee basically anywhere.
Apparently taking a shit anywhere except home felt way too personal.
I’m taking a shit and just sitting longer than I should on my phone…
and I’m about to wipe…
but all of the sudden…
Door opens
It’s my dad!
He looks at his phone too, but then he looks at me…
I stare back at home from my phone…
and then he closes the door…
…
What the fuck was that!
How didn’t he see I was in here!
Oh wait… he was on his phone…
and I forgot to lock the damn door…
…
I need to pee badly so I walk to the bathroom with my phone in hand…
I open the bathroom door, it’s unlocked…
I look up…
dad
sitting there on the toilet is my dad on his phone.
I don’t say anything, he looks at me… I look at him, and I close the door.
And I just laugh.
What the hell!
Haha that was so funny…
But why was my dad taking a shit funny…
but me taking a shit felt like classified information?
I’m taking a shit again and I’m on my phone…
just watching YouTube shorts… I want to wipe but wiping will take a minute. Let me just finish watching a few shorts.
10 minutes later
Oh my legs are sooo stiff…
oh my god, my blood from there is gone…
okay let me quickly start to wipe.
…
Instead of just taking a shit for 2 minutes, I stay on my phone just because I can’t be bored for that period of time.
And then I realized, I was willing to let my legs go stiff and disgustingly hated wiping my ass after waiting for so long…
because now it would be cold when I’m wiping my ass…
instead of the warm asshole if I had just done it in 2 minutes.
…
Eventually I got comfortable enough pooping that I developed the opposite problem.
Now I was TOO comfortable.
maybe I’m getting too comfortable writing this too…
I’m in bed thinking about video ideas…
I don’t know what video to make next…
what if I don’t make a good video and I waste time?
What if I start losing money, my family depends on me…
Oh no.
I’m starting to overthink to much, ah shit…
now my stomach is starting to really hurt…
I need to stop worrying about the next video. Let me get rid of this stomach pain.
Sharp pain.
PLEASE can you stop hurting stomach, go away… go away!
But it doesn’t work. Alright let me just go to the toilet to be safe…
I immediately get diarrhea…
I throw my shirt off while taking this shit. It’s starting to hurt so much and I’m getting really warm.
With the shirt off I get reduced heat generation.
…
A few hours later I’m sitting in bed and my stomach is fine…
but now my ass starts to really hurt.
Oh my god, it’s swollen isn’t it?
It just gets worse and worse…
the next day I wake up with the sharpest pain I’ve ever felt.
I can’t move… my whole asshole is completely swollen.
I’ve gotten hemorrhoids.
And how the hell will I do my work now? Oh no I can’t make the next video…
I’m sitting in bed with my legs stretched like a starfish…
because if I close my legs I squeeze my ass, and that was excruciating.
…
2 days later it’s so bad I can’t be asked to be in bed like this…
I would sit with my family at dinner with a face that was completely straight…
but underneath I was sitting on my ass, so I had the worst pain imaginable.
And I would walk like I had held in a shit for a thousands years…
So now, I really worry about myself and my work. I have to get medicine.
…
Mother, I’ve been in so much pain. I think I have hemorrhoids.
Oh my god Alex! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?
Yeah, I guess I was too embarrassed…
She gets me the medicine and eventually I start to get better…
I was anxious.
My stomach was a mess.
I kept going to the bathroom.
A few days later I had some of the worst hemorrhoid pain of my life.
I had always thought emotions happened in my head.
Apparently my ass had other opinions.
When I was a kid, I would rather wipe my ass with cardboard than tell my mom I was taking a shit.
Years later, I’m lying in bed like a starfish telling her my ass is swollen because I need medicine.
Embarrassment had gone from making me wipe with cardboard…
to making me wait two days to ask for help.
I don’t think poop made me wiser.
But somewhere between those two moments…
I stopped treating being human like something I had to hide.