I Deleted All My Friends
I’m in school and we’re about to graduate from primary school…
We’re going around saying goodbye to our classmates… but, I can’t wait to go back home.
Because this time when I go home…
I will never see these people again.
…
I’m at home after the final ever day of school, and so summer vacation begins…
but I decide to take a year off, to focus on growing a YouTube channel.
During this time I move outside the city where I grew up…
I go onto all my contacts, SnapChat and Instagram…
and I delete Everyone.
My best friend from literal childhood?
Gone.
My online friends whom I could be myself around?
Gone…
And then I delete the social media themselves…
I’m invincible.
Alexander, can I please have $5?
My friend asks me…
I mean sure, I like helping people and I’m sure he needs it.
Thank you, Alex!
Then… not so long after:
Alex, Can I have $20?
…
I mean, it’s not that much. And he’s my best friend right? If I say no maybe he will dislike me…
okay, let me give him this much.
Great, thanks brother!
…
Alex, I really need more money… can you send me?
I mean it’s been too many times now, I feel like I’m being a bit too kind if I say yes.
Okay, let me say no. Simply tell him I don’t have it or I can’t…
But I’ve never said no to almost anyone. And what will happen if I can’t send him anything? Will he get angry? Will he stop being my friend?
So, instead of simply saying no and setting boundaries.
I delete him.
No more messages…
no more problems…
and no need to say anything.
…
When I’m playing video games online, instead of saying my opinion when somebody disagrees with me or crosses a boundary…
I stay completely quiet. And I block or delete them.
When I’m in school and somebody says something I don’t quite like… I simply smile and pretend to agree with whatever they’re saying… because I couldn’t just delete people from school, if I block someone here they will literally confront me.
Finally, no more school, no more people that I need to talk too…
I don’t need to pretend to agree with them…
or feel bad whenever somebody disagrees with me…
and, now I have more time to just focus on my work, YouTube.
…
A few months pass by…
I start having dreams about school…
the times I laughed with my friends, the times we did mischievous things in class, and when we played sports together.
Why am I dreaming about this? I don’t care about all of that.
But then I think about the fact that… I’ve basically not spoken to anyone since I left school…
I only have my family…
and that’s it.
…
I finish work for the day, and instead of talking to a friend… I go on YouTube shorts and just waste time.
I don’t have any notifications, not much different than when I was in school, but now I’m incapable of sending a notification…
Every once in a while I’m thinking:
Damn, okay but I have a fresh start… let me download Yubo.
It’s an app where you can talk to strangers, and get friends. So I download and start swiping on people…
…
sigh
not really anyone here with personality? I feel so different to everyone here, let me delete it. Who needs friends?
It’s been almost 3 years since I deleted all my friends…
I’m basically just sitting indoors, never really going outside except to the gym…
I don’t need any friends…
I managed to build up my YouTube channel, and I have more money than I know what to do with…
Yet, I feel a bit empty…
I download Hinge and start swiping for girls, I need a girlfriend.
She will make me more fulfilled than any friend.
…
weeks pass by… and I open my dating app.
0 matches.
Why am I so ugly? I can’t even get a girlfriend.
I DELETE THE APP.
…
I don’t know…
why am I so empty?
I had everything I thought I needed, a successful online business, money and the freedom to not need to talk to anyone. But somewhere along the way I completely forgot that I could miss having friends…
but I was too afraid of ever having to confront them…
or pretend to be someone I’m not around them…
or convincing myself it’s too much time to spend with friends, even though I could literally say no if I was busy.
I’m on Discord and I look at my messages list…
These are from years ago…
damn I used to chat a lot.
I look up one of my best friends that I used to play all the time with.
Should I message him?
…
I ended up talking to him for an hour on the voice call…
how long has it been since I really talked to someone?
The conversation was quite ordinary but…
It just felt good.
After that I end up talking to a few more people, and I start going out a bit more…
I’m still thinking:
Isn’t this a waste of time? I could be making money with all this time.
I need to stop thinking that all time is valuable for is money…
the most priceless times I’ve spent, were the times just hanging around people…
I go to Poland with one of my best friends, I’m thinking:
This will be great but… how will I say no to drinking? To go out to activities I don’t want too?
So we’re in a bar and as I’m ordering drinks, I simply say I want a Red Bull…
Oh you don’t drink?
A guy we just met there says…
Oh no, I don’t drink no.
Here we go… he’s probably going to think I’m a wimp or something
Ah respect, respect.
Hmm, did he say that with a genuine look? But damn, nothing happened. I simply said how I really felt and… I’m fine.
…
My friend wants to stay out longer after a great night. But I’m thinking of ending it.
So I tell him:
Sorry, I’m so tired, I will go home brother.
He says:
Ah come on Alex, just a bit longer?
After I say no genuinely again, he respects it… and I do my own thing.
…
I said no more times to my best friend than anybody else during my trip to Poland. I thought he would think of me as a turnoff, yet I feel like our friendship grew closer than ever.
I thought deleting all my friends would save me time, hassle, and my self-esteem.
And for a while…
It did.
Nobody could ask me for money.
Nobody could disagree with me.
Nobody could reject me.
But…
Nobody could laugh with me either.
Nobody could invite me somewhere.
Nobody could become closer to me.
Because I’d made sure there was nobody left.
…
Looking back, I don’t think I actually hated being around people.
I hated how I felt around them.
I was so afraid of disappointing someone, making them angry, or being disliked…
that instead of learning how to deal with those feelings…
I removed the people who could cause them.
And I called that freedom.
…
But the problem was never that I had friends.
It was that I didn’t know how to be myself around them.
I thought I had to agree with everyone.
Say yes to everything.
And put everyone else’s feelings before my own.
But when I finally started saying no…
I realized something.
The people who genuinely cared about me didn’t suddenly stop caring.
And the ones who couldn’t respect my boundaries?
Well…
Maybe we weren’t meant to be friends.
…
I still love spending time alone.
I still love working on YouTube.
And sometimes I’d genuinely rather stay home than go out.
But now I can make that choice without feeling like I have to cut everyone out of my life.
Because I don’t need to agree with someone to enjoy their company.
I don’t need to say yes to be a good friend.
And I don’t need to disappear just because a conversation might be uncomfortable.
…
For years, I thought having nobody around meant nobody could hurt me.
But I never realized…
I was also making sure nobody could get close to me.
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