I Thought Something Was Wrong With Me
I was trying to solve the wrong problem.
I thought something was wrong with me.
So I spent years trying to fix myself.
More confident.
More disciplined.
More outgoing.
More positive.
I was trying to solve the wrong problem.
Car horns.
People rushing past.
Everyone looking at their phones.
I keep my head down.
I never really want to interact with strangers here.
At my school, I feel different to others. I try to talk to them sometimes but it’s all very surface level.
I’m quiet and never talk to anyone.
Am I just so negative because I’m the odd one out?
What is wrong with me?
The city is busy, and there isn’t much nature.
But I’ve lived here for most of my life, this is where I belong.
Why can’t I fit in?
Everywhere I try to go here, I blame myself.
Because wherever I go.
There I am.
So naturally, I assumed life here would become easier if I changed.
Watching videos about better habits.
Motivational videos.
But they keep saying…
Just be yourself!
Well… myself won’t work here.
I try to become more outgoing.
However no matter what I do, everything is still the same.
No matter how much I improve or change.
I still feel like I don’t fit in.
How do I change to fit in with my classmates and the city?
Busy streets, traffic, and people always rushing somewhere.
Later my family moved to a house surrounded by forest.
Nothing about my personality changed, but somehow I felt calmer.
For the first time in my life, I lived outside the city.
The nature and the quietness fit the person who I was.
The people are a little bit more open here and smile more.
Every time I go out for a walk here.
People look up and smile.
I’m almost shocked, coming from the city. Nobody does that.
And when I smile back, it feels good.
I don’t have to try to be someone else.
I go on yet another vacation, I’ve been to many and felt like the odd one out.
But here in South Africa, I’m walking around and somehow I naturally start to talk more.
It’s easier to fit in here, it feels right.
I go to a random restaurant and the people there.
They come up to me and start asking me questions.
Hello there, how are you? :D
I’m actually shocked, and it’s not just the words.
It’s the energy.
People actually wanted to talk more.
And I start talking a little bit.
And then more.
And by the end, I had talked more in 2 weeks here.
Than in 2 years back at home.
…
The nature is very calming.
The endless beaches with almost no people.
The sun which I have missed.
I even read a little bit now, out in the sun. With sunscreen and sunglasses of course.
Somehow the energy feels different.
…
Nothing had really changed with me.
But yet I felt like almost everything was easier here.
That’s when I realized.
Maybe I didn’t have to change, maybe I had to change my environment.
Nothing inside me had changed.
I was still quiet.
I still liked reading.
I still enjoyed being alone.
So why did life suddenly feel easier?
I kept trying to fix the plant.
I never questioned the soil.
…
I spent years asking,
What’s wrong with me?
I never asked,
What is my environment bringing out in me?
It wasn’t just the place.
It was the people.
The pace.
The conversations.
The values.
My environment had been shaping me the whole time.
Sometimes the person you’re trying to become...
is waiting in a different environment.