I Thought My Life Had No Purpose
Purpose isn't found by learning. It's discovered by living.
I thought everyone else knew what they wanted to do with their life.
Some people wanted to become doctors.
Some wanted to become engineers.
Everyone else seemed so certain.
I had no idea.
So I started looking for my purpose.
I’m asking myself and watching videos about purpose and the best jobs.
Wondering what I’m supposed to do with my life.
Eventually.
I just couldn’t figure it out.
But oh my god.
There are so many jobs.
So many things I can do in my life.
I can literally become anything.
But the more I searched.
The less certain I became.
I’m overwhelmed by all the options.
I’m so afraid of choosing the wrong path...
That I stop choosing altogether.
I stop thinking of paths, and start thinking about the most important problem I wanted to solve.
Teachers ask me.
What do you want to become, Alex?
But I wasn’t trying to become someone.
I was trying to solve a problem.
…
The only thing that mattered was seeing my mother come home exhausted from work every day.
Waking up at 04:30 in the midst of winter.
Exiting the house while it’s dark, and coming back home when it’s dark.
Knees, feet and back hurting from being up on her feet all day.
…
My mother sees me running down the stairs every time she comes home from work.
I take of her jacket and kiss her.
Mammi, when I’m 18. You will never have to work again I promise you!
12 year old me really wanted me to help her.
…
So I needed to go a path that wouldn’t take a lifetime.
To finally have my mother rest.
I loved playing video games, and people can make great money of YouTube.
I wasn’t choosing YouTube because it was my dream.
I was choosing the fastest vehicle to solve the biggest problem in my life.
I wanted to make videos because they gave me the fastest chance of helping my mother.
I’m learning and doing things to improve the channel.
Months pass by and I’m wondering if this is what I really should do with my life.
Am I wasting my life here?
Why did I pick this job?
I’m not even making any money after all these months.
Sometimes I don’t post for a week.
I’m laying in bed in dread.
Eyes wide open.
Getting a headache from thinking…
I had so many options. And yet I chose this one.
Why didn’t I just go the secure path in school and get a job?
My life would’ve been ten times easier.
I should quit.
Go back to school.
Chose something more certain.
If I fail I won’t be able to help my mother at all.
But for some reason...
I keep making videos.
Not because I knew it was my purpose.
Honestly...
I still wasn’t sure.
Every few months I ask myself the same question.
“Is this really what I’m supposed to do with my life?”
While I was busy looking for my purpose...
I never noticed I was becoming someone different.
I become better at storytelling.
Better at editing.
Better at communicating.
I’m more disciplined now.
…
So now my mother has her freedom.
But.
I kept asking, what is my purpose?
Then life happens.
After a breakup, I cry for days.
But I find myself questioning everything again.
I realize I’ve been stuck for years.
I’m slowly burning out.
If I don’t change...
Eventually my gaming channel will die.
And my mother could lose the freedom I’d worked so hard to give her.
…
But this time...
I stop trying to think my way toward an answer.
I’m done asking and start taking action.
I start reading more.
I pick the piano back up.
I start writing.
I tried different businesses.
For the first time...
I wasn’t trying to find my purpose.
I was simply paying attention to what pulled me forward.
I slowly drift into the channel you’re watching now.
At first it’s just a side thing.
But I keep coming back to it.
The ideas wouldn’t leave me alone.
I would go for a walk and think about the next video.
I would have conversations with people and suddenly connect the dots.
I wasn’t forcing myself to make these videos.
They were pulling me toward them.
I had spent my life asking what my purpose was...
Why did I suddenly stop asking now?
Everything I’d spent years learning on my gaming channel...
Storytelling.
Communicating.
Teaching.
Understanding people.
It all had a place here.
Looking back...
Maybe I was answering a different question.
I wasn’t trying to become someone.
I was becoming someone by solving the problems life put in front of me.
Every step I thought was taking me away from my purpose...
Was quietly taking me toward it.
Maybe purpose isn’t found by learning.
It’s discovered by living.