I Thought Negative Feelings Meant Something Was Wrong
The feeling was real. What I thought it meant wasn’t.
I used to think feeling bad meant something in my life was wrong.
But the same feeling can mean completely different things.
I’ve just found out I need braces. But before I can get them, I have to get four teeth pulled out.
So, now I have to get the first one pulled…
Why did I agree to this…
I’m going to experience the worst pain ever…
I have to get them pulled out in a few weeks…
…
Everyday I’m thinking about how the dentist will cut me open.
And I start to get stomach cramps.
I can’t think straight while working.
And I talk while I work, how the hell will I work with teeth operations and braces?
…
I’m shaking as I’m waiting for my name to be called…
My stomach starts to rumble and it starts to hurt…
Am I going to bleed out?
What if he accidentally cuts parts of my mouth?
…
Alexander!
I enter the room and he tells me to sit down…
After injecting the anesthetic, I immediately close my eyes and just focus on staying calm.
I can feel something being cut…
But then all of the sudden, I feel the tooth going out.
…
There we go Alexander, it’s done.
Wait already? That was quick.
And now, my stomach pain is gone…
My mind is calm…
And I’m glad that I’m making progress towards braces…
…
Doctor, am I going to lose too much blood?
No, Alexander. It will bleed but the bleeding will stop soon.
I had spent weeks reacting to something that hadn’t even happened yet.
…
I’m at the airport. I’m about to fly home with my sister alone from vacation.
Even though I thought I was confident...
I was incredibly nervous.
My mind was racing.
As we were lining up for passport control...
I go and stand there, but then this woman comes up to me.
I’m thinking,
Ah she must be saying something nice.
I honestly don’t even remember what she said.
…
Then another guy comes up and said clearly.
What do you think you’re doing, you’re cutting in line!
What is wrong with you?!
And then I immediately apologized.
I’m so sorry.
It’s my fault
He looks at me up and down with discontent and walks in front.
I take my sister to the back of the line.
I realize that I had mixed up the queue.
It was completely my fault.
I was so inside my own head.
that I stood in the wrong line.
Now everyone is thinking about me.
Great.
Now everyone thinks I’m an idiot.
I’ll remember this forever.
…
A few minutes later, the people who complained to me.
They are talking with their travel mates.
Looking down on their phones.
Laughing with their mates.
…
They’re not even looking at me, I’m right behind them.
Why aren’t they thinking about me?
Aren’t they concerned with me?
I just made a big mistake.
What I did has been done, and I’m just going to make sure me and my sister get home safely.
Instead, I forgive myself and I stop thinking about it for a minute.
The moment had ended for them. I was the one keeping it alive.
I’m in South Africa, just arrived to enjoy this lovely vacation…
I’m walking the lovely beaches…
Enjoying the good food…
And the sun everyday…
But me and my girlfriend get into an argument online. And it was a big one.
…
We decide to breakup and go our own paths…
I’m absolutely devastated, I thought I would marry her.
Even when the sun is shining, I close the curtains and just cry all day the next day.
I can’t exit my room to tell my parents.
I don’t know what I’ll do without her…
I feel so alone again…
I thought she was my soulmate…
…
I need another girlfriend, maybe if I become a millionaire it will be easier.
When I’m back home, I will go to the library and read, that’s where the smart girls will be.
And I’ll go to the gym more…
I’m reading at the library, and every 10 minutes I look up…
Is that my future girlfriend?
I keep on reading, but damn, I want a girlfriend.
…
After a few weeks I’m reading again…
But this time, I don’t look up.
I still notice girls walking by. But now I don’t even want to lose my place on the page.
I’m reading all about becoming successful, understanding myself and other non-fiction topics.
I go to the gym several times every single week…
And I even start to play the piano every single day.
…
After a few months, I have become a version of myself I thought was in my dreams.
And yet, I thought the time after my breakup would look like a nightmare.
The pain was real. But what I thought the pain meant wasn’t necessarily true.
I thought the pain meant I had lost the life I wanted. Looking back, it pushed me into a life I hadn’t even imagined yet.
When I feel something strongly now, I don’t immediately ask:
How do I get rid of this?
I try to ask:
What am I feeling and what am I assuming this feeling means?
Because fear can feel like danger.
Pain can feel like a ruined future.
Embarrassment can feel like everyone is judging you.
The feeling can be completely real without your interpretation of it being true.
I thought feeling bad meant my life was going wrong.
Looking back...
I thought my feelings were telling me what was true.
Sometimes, they were only telling me what I believed was true.
Feelings are real. But they are not always reality.