I Thought Taking Risks Would Ruin My Life
Everything was risky, I just took the visible ones.
I thought taking risks would ruin my life.
Looking back, avoiding them would have.
Teachers are talking to my classmates and asking them what they want to do after school.
And they all are going into high school.
My classmates ask me what I want to do.
I just say,
I think I wanna be a computer engineer.
My teachers ask the same question.
But towards the end of school,
I actually think I’ll take a gap year off.
Most people say,
Isn’t that risky?
I thought the exact same thing as them.
Why would I waste one year?
I wanted to see what I could do in one year with YouTube.
Because if it worked, maybe I could retire my mother from a job that was exhausting her.
…
I thought taking a gap year was risky.
It never crossed my mind that staying in school might be risky too.
Looking back, almost every decision that changed my life felt risky at the time.
I’m spending hours working on my YouTube channel.
And then later in bed that night, I spend hours thinking about why I’m working on it.
Why didn’t I just stay in school?
It’s been months and nothing has really worked.
I open my analytics.
Every night I asked myself the same question.
What if everyone was right?
Maybe I was wasting a year.
…
Maybe I should just go back to school.
My channel had barely grown.
277 subscribers.
But then another question kept coming back.
What if I never tried?
Which version of my life would I regret more?
I’m walking up to this girl and tell her.
Hello, I think you’re really cute. Is it okay if I get your number?
…
No, sorry. I have a boyfriend.
Those were her exact words.
…
As I walked away, I thought,
Why did I even ask?
Rejection hurt in the moment.
Wondering would’ve hurt for years.
…
Then there was the driver’s license.
I almost didn’t do that either.
It felt risky.
Now I can’t imagine the freedom I’d have missed without it.
My old friends, acquaintances and family all say the same thing.
Wow Alex, you already have your driver’s license.
Your own business.
And you’re taking care of your mother.
She must be so proud of you.
…
And for a moment, I almost feel a bit proud of myself.
All the stress and time spent on the driver’s license.
All the years spent building up my YouTube gaming business.
And the time spent thinking about my mother being free.
…
I really regretted starting all these things, I thought it was too risky.
That I was wasting my time.
That if I mess up I’m behind.
The more I messed up...
the more I trusted myself to handle the next risk.
I sometimes imagine the other version of my life.
I wake up early.
I put on my university backpack.
I study to become a computer engineer.
My mother still goes to work.
Every evening she comes home exhausted.
Her knees hurt even more.
I keep telling myself...
One day.
One day I’ll help her.
One day I’ll start YouTube.
One day I’ll try.
But one day quietly becomes ten years.
…
Every time I saw someone chasing their dream...
I would’ve wondered what would’ve happened if I’d taken mine.
Why didn’t I take that gap year and tried?
It would only have been a year
I would have stared at my desk…
I would've dreamt every day about what would've happened if I'd taken that risk.
…
I thought taking risks would ruin my life.
Looking back...
Avoiding them would’ve.
Because I thought I was choosing between risk...
and safety.
I wasn’t.
The risks I could see were temporary.
The one I couldn’t see was becoming someone who never tried.