I Used to Live More in My Head Than in Reality
My body was in the present. My mind almost never was.
I used to think I was living my life.
Looking back, I spent most of it somewhere else.
Sometimes in a future that hadn’t happened yet.
Sometimes in a past I couldn’t stop replaying.
Almost never in the moment right in front of me.
I’m on vacation in Prague with my best friend. And we’re only there for about 5 days.
But as we’re having fun and enjoying ourselves.
Exploring the city.
Tasting the local food.
Listening to the music.
I always think to myself…
Ah we only have 4 days left.
And then 3 days left.
and then 2.
And I say this every day to my friend.
…
He tells me in a concerned voice,
Yes of course Alex, but that’s then. Just enjoy today.
I keep thinking about the future where I’m not having fun with my friends.
I wasn’t leaving Prague in four days.
I had already left it in my mind.
I’m about to do my first driving test, so I can finally have my driver’s license.
But as I’m waiting for the instructor. I’m thinking to myself.
Oh my god, what if I fail.
I’ve never driven in this place before.
What if I crash?
As we head off to drive, things go pretty well.
I’m indicating at the right time.
Following traffic, although a bit slowly.
And reading all the signs.
…
Then we get to this small country road, where I’m supposed to reverse…
I put the gear in reverse.
And I literally over steer and almost reverse off the road.
The instructor says,
Try again.
Now I’m thinking,
Oh my god I messed up…
I can’t mess this up again.
She’s going to think I shouldn’t be driving.
…
I try to reverse again, really slowly.
I wasn't driving anymore. I was watching myself drive.
She was still talking.
But I wasn’t listening anymore.
I was too busy watching myself fail.
Now the instructor gets a bit annoyed.
…
This went on for a few more tries, I never got it right.
Of course when I got back to the driving school, I had failed.
And I was crying so much. I was so afraid to call my dad and tell him I failed.
I’m replaying my drivers test in my head for hours and days after. Wondering what is wrong with me.
I was so much in my head predicting what could go wrong. Yet I couldn’t predict the very thing that actually went wrong.
And when the moment was over, the people didn’t care. All was good.
Reality only happened once. But my mind kept living it hundreds of times.
Looking back, I realized it wasn’t just happening during driving tests.
It was happening everywhere.
Before something happened, I imagined it.
While it happened, I judged it.
After it happened, I replayed it.
My body was always in the present.
My attention almost never was.
I’m in South Africa, and I’m in this wonderful national park, with a hotel.
I’m only there for 3 days, but this time I’m thinking to myself.
What a lovely place to be.
I start talking to all the staff, telling them how wonderful this place is…
I learn their names.
I talk to them.
I try to understand them.
…
When we’re out on a safari, I truly just look at the animals and the nature around.
For more than 10 hours we were out…
And I’m just enjoying.
I’m of course taking a few pictures.
I take a deep breath.
And for the first time in years...
I actually notice the air.
…
Oh my god look at that lion!
That is the most beautiful elephant I've seen.
Wow that’s an eagle!
I don’t think about the time when I’m home and not able to enjoy this.
I just think about this present moment with the family and the nature.
And normally, I would’ve been counting how many days were left.
This time, I didn’t think about tomorrow for once.
Nothing about the world had changed.
The only thing that changed was where I put my attention.
The animals weren’t more beautiful than Prague.
I was just finally there to see them.
That’s when I realized...
I wasn’t losing Prague.
I was losing today.
Prague had never been the problem.
It was just the first place I noticed what my mind had been doing all along.
…
Years later, I finally understood what my friend was trying to tell me in Prague.
“Just enjoy today, Alex.”
I thought he was talking about Prague.
He was talking about life.
Because I wasn’t living my life.
I was living everywhere except where it was happening.