I Wanted Everyone to Like Me. But I Ended Up Disliking Myself
I was always the nice guy. I just didn't realize how much it controlled me.
I always wanted everyone to like me. I’m saying yes to everything I’m asked, because saying no would mean I let people down.
I’m handing out my laptop charger in school, and am known as the kindest boy in class, because I always said yes.
And it feels good, to just be friends with everyone.
But eventually, I end up disliking myself the more I spend time doing what other people want.
I’m always saying yes to my classmates wanting help with their work.
And eventually I end up spending more time studying for my classmates test than for my own.
Of course I need to help my friends. If I say no then they will dislike me.
The more I didn’t want them to dislike me, the more I disliked myself.
My best friend, he came one day and asked me for money, just a little bit for help.
I of course say yes, I mean it’s only $5.
Then he asks me a few weeks later.
And then again.
And again.
And as I finished school, I decide enough is enough.
I’m deleting all my friends of my phone, from all social media and contacts. Even the real best friends whom never did anything wrong.
I just want to be alone, as long as I don’t have anyone to say yes to, I will finally prioritize myself.
A few years later, I reconnect with one of my childhood friends.
We go on vacation to this lovely city, and he brings along some of his friends.
One night, we are at a train station. And my friend asks me if I want to stay or go along with his 2 friends whom were headed to smoke weed somewhere.
I really wanted to go to the hotel since it was late, but I decide to say yes.
I arrive at a place on the outskirts of the city, and immediately I wonder what I’m doing with my life.
The atmosphere was a bit moody and there were people there taking drugs and smoking weed.
As I sit down with these 2 friends of mine, they hold a conversation. But I’m only in my thoughts, I can’t focus on being with these people.
I’m asking myself, what am I doing here. Why didn’t I say no? Why did I go to a place which has nothing to do with who I am.
I muster up the courage to tell my friends that I’m heading back.
And they completely understand.
Even though we are completely different. I feel relieved. I thought they would dislike me.
Looking back, I don’t think I said yes because I wanted everyone to like me.
I said yes because I identified as the kind boy.
I said yes because I felt valuable that way.
Every yes maintained my image. And I thought it was too late to say no.
I was always known as the kindest and nicest guy they knew.
But every time they said that, part of me disagreed.
I’ve said no to many people now, respectfully.
And, I like myself more than ever.
And the people I say no to, they respect my decision.
When I say no to that beer and go for an alcohol free one. When I say no because I don’t wanna play video games tonight.
So ask yourself.
Am I doing this because I want to? Or because I want to maintain my “Yes” image?
Now, I still sometimes say yes to things I probably shouldn’t.
But I am more aware now of when I’m certain I don’t want to do something.
And I’ve noticed, the more I say no to other people. The more I say yes to yourself.